Baseball is back and so is Danny McBride this fall with Vice Principals on HBO. So we wanted to take a look back at Kenny Powers and is foul mouthed antics on East Bound and Down. Here are 18 times when Kenny Powers didn’t hold back.
“Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.”
“I’ve been blessed with many things in this life: an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist.”
“Listen here you beautiful bitch, I’m about to fuck you up with some truth.”
“I play real sports. Not trying to be the best at exercising.”
“When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom. Multi-million dollar deals. Endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my shit. Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a fucking canon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm. But a true champion, face to face in his darkest hour will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, fights, and fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies. And my ass ain’t no pussy. My ass is a fucking champion.”
“People say Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That’s not true. I love women. Every fucking one of them, even the ugly as shit ones. But don’t ask me to trust ’em. Not even nuns, because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can’t fill.”
“Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I’m the man who has the ball; I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So, that is why I’m better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.”
“Honey, I love you. I think you’re a terrific girl. But you have clothes like a fucking dickhead.”
“Well, it’s no mystery that ass has always been tits greatest enemy. It’s almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass.”
“I got two hard rules I live by, Pop: I don’t fuck with the devil and I never do tag-teams with blood relatives.”
“No, babe, rehab. No, I didn’t hurt myself. Oh, ok. Yeah, I hurt myself. I hurt my nose.”
“There have been many great comebacks throughout history. Jesus was dead but then came back as an all powerful God-Zombie.”
“This is a real job, it’s not like teaching kids. I can’t get fucked up.”
“A lot of people ask me, ‘Kenny Powers, you’re a giant star. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?’ And the answer is yes, I have. And it’s actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument.”
“Her son? You came out of her vagina? I was all up in that shit last night!”
“This one coach tried to put me on a weight training program, and I was all like, ‘You and your weights can fuck off somewhere. I’m not lifting that shit. It’s heavy. You tell me why I need strength training when I’m strong enough to throw a goddamn 100 mile per hour pitch? Fuck that.”
“If there’s one thing I hate it’s losing. If there’s two things I hate it it’s losing and getting cancer.”
“Does the Pope blow little kids?”
