Hello, I’m Jason Voorhees and I’m a swimming instructor at the YMCA.
After my accident at Camp Crystal Lake I figured the worst is behind me. It was time to try and move on with my life while taking the lives of others. I know it sounds very God like but it’s true. The first thing I did was learn to swim – because I wasn’t about to let that happen again.
If I’m going to act like God by taking lives away from people what better place to do it than the Young Man’s Christian Academy. I became so good at swimming I almost made the Olympic Team in ’88.
But my real passion isn’t swimming through dirty ponds, it’s playing on the frozen pond. The main reason I teach swimming lessons here is to take advantage of their ice skating rink. It’s time to let the world in on a little secret. For the first time ever, exclusively on Boom Howdy, I want to let the world know that I have been living a double life. Yes you all know me as the iconic serial killer Jason Voorhees but I also played professional NHL hockey for the Calgary Flames in the 80’s. You may know me as Lanny McDonald.
Now I’m not an attractive man, I had some plastic surgery done and grew this sweet stache’. in fact I really only had three choices in life after my childhood “accident”.
One, become a hockey player, two, become a serial killer, or three become a porn star. Two out of three ain’t bad! I made my professional hockey debut on Friday the 13th. So there you have it. I may have played for the Flames but my favorite team is the New Jersey Devils.
I met the mascot once when I went to hell and back. After a few seasons I had to retired due to suffering a collapsed lung. Everything is fine now but on occasion I do get a weird wheeze. Chee-Chee, ha ha. See there it is – my apologizes.
I mean, I wear a god damn hockey mask for God’s sake. That’s not scary. Other people like Leatherface wear peoples skin and Michael’s has this cool mask void of all features. So has it ever occurred to you why in the hell I wear a hockey mask!? Especially when my normal face is scary enough. Chee -Chee, ha, ha.
But back to my life after the NHL. Sure swimming keeps me in shape so I can chase kids in the summer time while they unsuspectingly have sex in their tents. Of course this didn’t really help me when I was in space but that is a different story all together. Should have never happened. But this job at the YMCA also helps me find targets to lock in on and pursue during the offseason. People swim indoors during the winter. Which is my prime off season. This helps me find new victims I wouldn’t normally have access to.
I’m often asked what my favorite kill has been over the years. I liken a kill to the thrill I felt when scoring my first and only hat trick. There is nothing like it. If I had to narrow it down to three I would say, burning that bitch alive in her sleeping bag, knocking that fools head clean off his body in Manhattan and crushing that space hottie like popsicle. She shattered like a plate glass window. It was a thing of beauty.
The last few years I’ve been thinking of retiring from the murder game. Not sure what I would do with my time. Who knows, maybe I’ll be a camp counselor. Go live in the underground tunnels of Camp Crystal Lake.
*Blows whistle*
If you’ll excuse me the next batch of victims, I mean…my next swimming class is about to start. It’s been a pleasure. Chee-chee, ha, ha.
